If there is one thing I would like to do now, it would be to disappear until the end of my birthday. Why? I don't want to go through another hellish birthday. Once is more than enough. I don't look for an extravagant birthday celebration coz if that is what I want, I would plan it on my own and pay it all coz no one can do that for me. No expectations for anybody to do this. Could this be a reason to label me selfish? Be it. I don't recall the time I cared about what people say about me anyway. This is the girl who wasn't liked since the day she came to this world. Bring it on!
If there is one thing i'd wish for...it would be for me and my family to be where we were probably 20years ago. The time when my parents were both younger and healthier. I believe we were happier too coz we weren't here. Now, life has gotten so much more complicated. I have been giving in for sooo many things. Things that I would never even give way to (even in my head) if you were to put me in the same place 5 years back. Why the change? Maybe for love. cliche....i know..
The best thing about this year would be the fact that I have bought all my presents. They've all been waiting in the wardrobe since early this year...all waiting for May! Am I delighted? Of coz I am! Coz there is no dependency on anybody but ME! Why depend on others when they may fail,right? :p
Last night was the night I gave up on a beach holiday. I don't want it anymore. I don't see the point doing it with someone who doesn't feel like it. (Your sentence crushed my enthusiasm.) Just like how much KLCC means to me. It is my special spot. It is my familiar ground. It makes me feel . As for my birthday leaves, I'll probably just spend it t home with my parents and siblings...read something...stitch something...take my mom out and stuff. Well, that is IF I don't cancel it.
Being where I am is definitely very confusing. I sometimes just give in to things to make others happy. Most of the time, I'm not near happy but it is a lot better than dealing with unhappy ppl around me. They are more troublesome to handle. Guess me being unhappy is easier to handle. When did I discover this? The day I signed my life away.
Things I have given up in the past few days:
1. My birthday
2. Birthday present from someone close...to my best friends, I still wanna have some wishes from you guys...it is always so nice to know someone cares. REALLY.
3. The beach holiday I looked forward to (i REALLY don't want this anymore) The pre-holiday to-do list is also removed....so no waxing...no need to look for my goggles....no need to think of which suitable sunglasses to bring...which nice book/mag to bring along...no need to remember to bring the sunblock and camera charger....no need anything. All scraped out. I'll use the 1k to clear some more space in my magic card.
4. TTC this month...everything is just soooo OFF. I don't have the bucks to go for crappy treatments anymore. Modern, traditional..u name it. I'm tired. And it is always me who has to go through it. The procedures. The meds. The everything. It is boring. And incase you haven't noticed, it creates unnecessary pressure. My work is killing me enough. (Lately it isn't work...but someone at work..) Maybe I wouldn't need to go for any treatments if I'm completely happy. Who would leave a girl crying? Who wouldn't convince a girl to have breakfast when she barely had anything for dinner last nite juz coz she doesn't feel like eating where you want to eat? Go ahead call her selfish.
5. My own house. To start with, I don't even know why I settled with the idea to get a house in this area. Wait! I know! So that you are happy. So that it is me who goes through the pain everyday to work. Even if I don't go to work, my parents are near the city so I do the traveling if i wanna see them. So...why did I settle with the idea? One : I would like to stay on my own. That's the number one objective. I remember! Two : I don't want to go through another argument. Three : It doesn't benefit you if we were to stay elsewhere. Call me selfish again, plzzzzz.
I always believe God tests ppl who are stronger. The ones who are stronger, needs to endure more. I believe my parents agree. My best friends too. Some questioned why I gave in. It is just something I have to do. Someone has to do it, right? And that someone is ME. =) Stubborn? I'm doubting myself already.
What do I feel like doing now?
1. Be somewhere no one knows me. Higher chance ppl will ask me how I'm doing there.
2. Not eat. I just don't feel like having anything now. Btw,y am I so freaking fat?Thanks to the stalls "=.=
3. Get a haircut.
4. Get my nails buffed.
5. See nobody.
6. Pack up my stuff and give everyone including myself a break! The only thing holding me back from doing this is just SIN.
Possible?
You may get think I'm such a coward for typing this instead of talking this out. Look at me. Do I look like someone who will shut her mouth? :p When I decide to shut my mouth, it is the time I give up on talking about some matters. Plus, when I type, no one interrupts. For example, when I speak...anybody could interrupt and jump into my line. When I type, how can anyone jump into my sentences? Would they take my keyboard away just to "reply" my previous sentence? I don't think so. So here it is.....I hope this helps stop my tears. The tears that I had to wipe on my own. =) Thank you.
p/s: I really don't recall crying so much in a year.......funny
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