Itz OKAY

There are times I wonder if I would die earlier than many others. You may wonder why I came up with that kind of opening and no doubt many would be angry if I say it out loud. The "weight" I need to hold in my heart is at times too great. People normally say "What you give you get back". It is most of the time true when you treat someone badly. How about the case where you are the ears or shoulders one can lean on to through their hard times or simply a bad hair day? I doubt it still holds true. I don't think I get either of this in return. Esp lately...

As much as I do not want to pour things out I know I still need to coz I don't know how else I can lift up myself..the very least; my heart. Besides jotting important life events in a diary, I think the reason why one has it is to release a lil bit of weight from the heart. Best part of it, it only "listens" and not question your silly actions or thoughts. It is a world of its own. Here I am, attempting to lift myself a little in a virtual world. I love saving papers but this time, I'm glad it is not on paper; I would end up smudging words that I write not only with the hand I'm writing with but also with the tears that flow out together with the words.

WARNING : Contents may contain sharp objects in various sizes.

Many around me may think I'm either tired or stressed out with my remourseful look these days. If you have this cloud above your head, this post may clear it up as long as your cloud is not as big as mine. To answer the first thought, I am both tired and stressed out....plus dissappointed and confused...and no doubt frustrated. Heavy. I know. I'm thankful the keyboard won't tell me to be thankful and there are others with bigger issues and less fortunate out there. And it won't tell me to stop whining or blame PMS on the wrong date. *Phew!*

This goes in many degrees. From personal issue to workplace to colleague to family to .........maybe everything surrounding me...

ONE - Me, Myself and I
I know my weight is beyond help now that we are going to be in December in juz few days time. My skin...I don't wanna discuss it here. My hair...I don't wanna discuss it here too. Same for my teeth...no decays but there's something that needs to be done and it involves operation...letz not go there and plz dun question me.

TWO - My Nest
My room. ok..I've got 2 rooms. 1 is super tidy. The other is super untidy. I've started clearing up stuff but I simply have too many stuff that after the pause, I dunno where's the resume point. And yea, few days left. *Sweat* don't bother telling me to throw away stuff I don't need anymore as I've already done it. Thank you. And yes, the clothes will be sent to a place where the less fortunate can pick.

THREE - The Job, The People and The Workplace
It would be wrong to rant this out and to mention name and places. So I will leave that out. What I can say is that my job is all virtual. It involves complaints and problems and requests and whatnot...which are all vitual. :p My work is not a pile of books you can read or go through and mark it as REVIEWED. If you don't get this, you will never get this. Sorry if that comes out harsh but yea...I've explained this way too many times to some ppl but they still couldn't get it and still ask me the same question about my job. =| Even if your work involves complaints and stuff...it probably doesn't involve you solving the sutff that the ppl actually complain about. And no..I'm not saying I'm and important person or my job is better or busiest compared to the whole nation.

The people. Many types.
People who expects you to get things done even when they don't know what you have to do or have to go through to get it done. This is normally those who you have to impress or in my case, people I don't want to step the wrong foot on. I don't work to impress. I love impressing myself though. It gives me more satisfaction. What do I get when I satisfy others first? I dunno. =p Maybe heartache or tears. *There goes my pessimism. Pardon me in my current state of mind and emotion.*

Then, there are people who decides you need to do this piece of work without knowing what he has decided. Funny? Trust me. This species is quite dominant. And yes, they are normally bigger than you. They will juz say "I want to replace this door by tomorrow. I have promised the client. They have agreed. You can do it. Do it." What they do not know is what the activity involves and best of all, they don't have buffer when you found termites underneath the door frames. Sounds fantastic rite? *That's a lil bit of my sarcasm kickin' in* This group of people is annoying.

Bossyboots. This bunch is obviously more annoying. As much as it is painful to deal with people, I am actually a people-person. I care. If you need that someone to get something done for you, consider her situation and most importantly, ask him/her nicely. You definitely want her to put her heart to what you need her to do coz u want it perfectly done so why give her such a nervewrecking feeling rite? Common sense yo! Pest. Coz they pester. =p

The ones who look up to you. This lil group of ppl are not annoying. If you find them annoying, you need to fix yourself. This has nothing to do with boasting but coaching. Crucial coz you want the lil ones to know and understand things correctly. GIGO. Remember? Wait...incase you dunno, it is Garbage In Garbage Out. Worst part is, you will get mirrored as garbage too coz you taught them garbage AND since you triggered the garbage, you need to clear up the garbage. If you don't get this...I feel sorry for you.

Place. Not too much about it I guess juz how it is managed or rather slotted/divided/shared/.... in the current location. =\ Apart from that, the word privacy doesn't exist on this part of the universe. hoho I dunno how many friends would turn up at my wedding reception. Thank you. It will be very memorable. Thank you.

'Nuff bout work. It never ends.

If you still don't understand what I do for living, don't bother even trying. It will either break me or break you. Let it  be. I will deal with it as I go with the flow. No point forecasting the subsequent months when no one knows what itz gonna be like.

FOUR - The Bells
It rang. And now it is getting louder coz it is getting nearer. Preparations? I don't quite know if 50% is done or not. There are things here and there and yea..EVERYWHERE. Last minute change of plans happens at almost every milestone. Set the date. Date was wrong so need to bring it fwd. Decided on the room. Got the furnitures and the curtains. Then feel like the room is wrong. The so-called correct room doesnt' even have the curtains matched to the theme.

One of my best pal said she may not be able to make it to the 1st reception. I didn't have the time to feel devastated. I juz know if it is true, then I will need to hunt for my other best pal and need to do it fast esp when there are clothes to match the theme rhequired. *sweat* The groom, no tux yet. His bestman...dunno bout clothes but maybe the person himself is probably not appointed yet. I dunno. Not within my control and being kaypo and not able to help is not good. This bestman needs to wear according to the theme. That's for first reception. 2nd reception, my bridesmaid's dress is probably(and hopefully) being tailored now coz I've given her the cloth weeks ago. The bestman...dunno who....dunno whether he has a suit or not...then again,according to many guys..it is more likely that they have a suit and it is easier to look for one even if they dun have one. Shirt is chicken feet...can get it from anywhere to match the theme. Would their green tones be of the same one? I dunno. No news. 3rd reception,last I heard...we will be wearing white. Haven't found the pair of clothing yet. Again. Not within my scope so not going to be a kpc. It will only annoy others. The bestman and bridesmaid...I dunno what they need to wear...what colour..which tone...i dunno. No news. Go ahead. Tell me to not worry about things which are not related to me. Thanks!

The rings. I'm glad I played the pester role coz it took almost a month to be ordered. And money doesnt' come from the sky too. This is done so it is not part of the rant. I still wanna put it here though. =p Sorry I pestered but didn't contribute.

The dowry....no news. I really dunno the status. If there is no diff, then my form is still pending. With the form still pending, what happens to the solemnization? I dunno.

What's left apart from the few mentioned? The room deco, hse deco, doorgifts, cakes, hand bouquets....ok..I can't think anymore....but trust me, there are many more. *sweat* Best of all, many can only be attended over the weekend (if i dun have to work) coz during weekdays, everything will be closed by the time I leave the workplace. Not that I don't have to work over the weekends, I normally request for late nite shift...so many to sacrifice. Run around to settle stuff during the day. Work late night til morning. Awesome. Wonder if any of this is appreciated at all.

One super thing which has been bugging my head and heart. Don't tell me how I should look. I won't accept something which will take my smile and mood away. It is MY wedding. Not yours. You had urs and now this is my turn. Sorry if this is harsh but you got it bugging me. Even after I've blurted out this sentence here, it is still there...bugging.

FIVE - The Gap and Uncertainties
As we swim deeper into the ocean, we meet many more kinds of fishes. These fishes understand and do things differently. This is The Gap. Wrong in your eyes. Correct in theirs. Nothing you can fix. Let it be. Keep on swimming and go with the flow.

What other creatures you come across and the actions you need to take if they welcome/attack you, you are wrong if you think you can foresee all this and plan what to be done. Why? Most of the time, you will still panic in the 5-feet swimming pool even when you know how to swim and 6-ft tall. Get the picture? All you can say is "If this and this happens, do A. If that doesn't workout, do B." To hardcode it will be recipe to failure so don't do it. Hardcoding will be very unwise if you work with big fishes who hold your future in the ocean.
Furthermore, you won't be swimming in the same ocean for long. Diff ocean may have diff spesies of fish. Trust me. You don't want to hardcode it. It will result in disappointments and I REALLY don't what that.

Guess I'm quite done. Mini facial done. Head is aching. Need to hit the sack.

p/s: Hope I can come up with something happy in my next post. Good luck to myself.

Note to self : No one can love you as much as you love yourself. Pamper yourself. Treat yourself nicely. You know you are the only one who can be as nice to yourself.